vol. iii: overland
I found myself parked on frozen mud, the cold in my extremities a constant reminder of the ephemerality of life's greatest moments. They slip through our fingers while we lavish our attention on the insubstantial. Their greatness blooms in their remembrance, like an obituary long overdue. There is no mourning here, only a twinge of longing, of hope that the future might prove as wondrous, that the present might become lauded in memory.
I was somewhere outside of Barstow when I found myself plunged headfirst into the lonesome desert night, sent on my way with tokens of your love. Chill December air a constant reminder to focus when my mind would wander, although it mostly sat amongst the spires of our glorious memories; always my thoughts find a way to integrate your threads into the narrative, embroidering my reality in rich colors and textures that remind me of your embrace, that place I call home. I start all my trips this way – stoking the excitement of adventure into an unrestrained blaze, a fever dream.
“I’ll rest when I reach Zion,” I reminded myself, whenever rest stops and pullouts began to look friendly. Sleepy eyes struggled against the weight of weariness; in this arid expanse between the Mojave and the Colorado, my gaze never reached beyond the reach of the high beams.
//Memories of the last few days, the last few months, rise to the surface and project themselves against the darkness, illuminating the sheer size of the world we’ve only just begun to explore. The year born in shadow, I descended into a fog-choked valley; traveling through was a farewell dance with my darkness. I caught glimpses of a summit overhead, a resting place my soul was longing for. It seemed I missed a turn, failed to find the staircase that would bring me to that vista. I shouldered a burden of acceptance, resigned myself to a fate of never knowing the clarity that awaited above the fog.//
Blindly, I stumbled through the desert – past the Hole in the Wall where I consulted with the plants and stones in atavistic meditation, where I surrendered to the whims of fate. My pace quickened at the Nevada border, reaching that crossroads where once my consciousness nearly fractured in a conference with death. I set my sights on Utah, praying the sun would not find me near this forsaken place. The lack of sleep was starting to tell and I found myself abruptly awake in the cold of the dawn; filled with a burning desire to run, to find a place of calm, where I might breathe deeply of the winds of change.
//Rendered in ever-increasing contrast from the background, I realized the summits I longed for might not be so far off. At the least, it seemed that I could find a place to myself; a place of beauty, quiet, and peace, if not so warm and enrapturing as I longed for. Whatever happiness I might find in this life came with honest effort, with dedication to self and a refocusing away from a world which had spurned me. I went within, found myself alone in a universe of my own. Fearless, I was gripped with a fervor, a sense of power and creation. I set to work sculpting and painting, writing and drawing, dreaming with no hope of success. Slowly, this land awoke from a hibernation of abandonment – the world which nurtured my young being. I allowed my vision to meet and embrace the present. Now was time to set off, to gather up the pieces of myself I sacrificed on the journey that illuminated realities beyond my own.//
I found a perch among roadrunners and buttes where I broke my fast and the fever dream. The sandstone hues flooded my vision and shone with a vividness rarely seen, lending a dreamy unreality to the landscapes which continued to roll across the windows.
//Memories of days spent in your arms – morning sweetness and evening glow, dancing to the songs you whispered in moments of quiet ecstasy. Every second by your side clarified my desire to stay forever, to remain yours, to dedicate every fiber of my being to you. The only beings on this plane of ours; our universes, once separated, finally collided and rejoined as they were always meant to.//
Leaving the interstate, I climbed mountains guided by moonlight glinting off snow and ice coating the windy roads. Searching for a place to rest my head, stillness for my shivering frame, I made camp beside a frozen lake, sheltered from harsh winds by the jagged peaks encircling this corner of Moab. The sleep was restless; the frigid Rockies prevented me from swimming deeper into unconsciousness. Bare feet on frozen ground, taking in the lavender and rose pre-dawn light. Step. Inhale. Step. Exhale. Exhausted and exhilarated, I turned away from the mountain pass and descended into a martian landscape, red clay coated everything in sight. With an effort of will, I pressed on through dreamy landscapes and snowcaps as my forehead grazed the upper atmosphere along the spine of the mountains. By the time I stopped to eat, the sun was setting and I was above the Denver skyline, nestled among conifers and epic vistas.
//Sadness begins to set in, I wish you were here. For all of the beauty and wonder of this journey, I find myself wanting for yours. I want to show you all that I know, to explore with you, not without you. I know that time will come. Perhaps that eagerness is what drives me forward. I descend into the Great Plains with anxiety tempered only by the wonderful visions of our memories.//
The remainder of the trip was an attempt to stay alert in the doldrums of Kansas – endless gentle hills and straight roads which lull one into an obscene sleepiness. I remember little of the plains beyond breakfast at Mushroom Rock and the Bison pair who stood guard over the dwindling bastion of their territory. I set my sights on the Mississippi, passed silently through St. Louis, allowing the interstate to carry me through the night to the final sunrise of the trip – red sun shining through barren trees in a cold, nondescript Indianapolis suburb. The weather worsened as I slid along icy roads in West Virginia and Pennsylvania. White-knuckling the steering wheel and wishing for rest, I limped across the Chesapeake Bay and meandered along sleepy backroads of Delmarva. Subconscious memory had long since taken over and guided my vessel quietly back to Delaware, gently and silently as a midnight snowfall. I found refuge and allowed sleep to overtake me. From that day to this, I feel I have lived in a state of hibernation – movements burdened as if my limbs were encased in honey, short days passing in the blink of an eye before I fully awake each day.
//My travels embody a breadth and depth most are not fortunate enough to experience. The long road has shaped me on my way to your doorstep. For all that I have seen and known, I find no other inspiration which grounds me in the manner of your profound love. You have transformed the mundane into magnificence, barrenness into abundance. Your memory resides at the forefront of my experience, painting the landscape in its most vivid light; my soul soars with unfettered freedom.//
#e25011[benediction (message to Wendy), Continental Divide, Colorado]
I was somewhere outside of Barstow when I found myself plunged headfirst into the lonesome desert night, sent on my way with tokens of your love. Chill December air a constant reminder to focus when my mind would wander, although it mostly sat amongst the spires of our glorious memories; always my thoughts find a way to integrate your threads into the narrative, embroidering my reality in rich colors and textures that remind me of your embrace, that place I call home. I start all my trips this way – stoking the excitement of adventure into an unrestrained blaze, a fever dream.
“I’ll rest when I reach Zion,” I reminded myself, whenever rest stops and pullouts began to look friendly. Sleepy eyes struggled against the weight of weariness; in this arid expanse between the Mojave and the Colorado, my gaze never reached beyond the reach of the high beams.
//Memories of the last few days, the last few months, rise to the surface and project themselves against the darkness, illuminating the sheer size of the world we’ve only just begun to explore. The year born in shadow, I descended into a fog-choked valley; traveling through was a farewell dance with my darkness. I caught glimpses of a summit overhead, a resting place my soul was longing for. It seemed I missed a turn, failed to find the staircase that would bring me to that vista. I shouldered a burden of acceptance, resigned myself to a fate of never knowing the clarity that awaited above the fog.//
Blindly, I stumbled through the desert – past the Hole in the Wall where I consulted with the plants and stones in atavistic meditation, where I surrendered to the whims of fate. My pace quickened at the Nevada border, reaching that crossroads where once my consciousness nearly fractured in a conference with death. I set my sights on Utah, praying the sun would not find me near this forsaken place. The lack of sleep was starting to tell and I found myself abruptly awake in the cold of the dawn; filled with a burning desire to run, to find a place of calm, where I might breathe deeply of the winds of change.
//Rendered in ever-increasing contrast from the background, I realized the summits I longed for might not be so far off. At the least, it seemed that I could find a place to myself; a place of beauty, quiet, and peace, if not so warm and enrapturing as I longed for. Whatever happiness I might find in this life came with honest effort, with dedication to self and a refocusing away from a world which had spurned me. I went within, found myself alone in a universe of my own. Fearless, I was gripped with a fervor, a sense of power and creation. I set to work sculpting and painting, writing and drawing, dreaming with no hope of success. Slowly, this land awoke from a hibernation of abandonment – the world which nurtured my young being. I allowed my vision to meet and embrace the present. Now was time to set off, to gather up the pieces of myself I sacrificed on the journey that illuminated realities beyond my own.//
I found a perch among roadrunners and buttes where I broke my fast and the fever dream. The sandstone hues flooded my vision and shone with a vividness rarely seen, lending a dreamy unreality to the landscapes which continued to roll across the windows.
//Memories of days spent in your arms – morning sweetness and evening glow, dancing to the songs you whispered in moments of quiet ecstasy. Every second by your side clarified my desire to stay forever, to remain yours, to dedicate every fiber of my being to you. The only beings on this plane of ours; our universes, once separated, finally collided and rejoined as they were always meant to.//
Leaving the interstate, I climbed mountains guided by moonlight glinting off snow and ice coating the windy roads. Searching for a place to rest my head, stillness for my shivering frame, I made camp beside a frozen lake, sheltered from harsh winds by the jagged peaks encircling this corner of Moab. The sleep was restless; the frigid Rockies prevented me from swimming deeper into unconsciousness. Bare feet on frozen ground, taking in the lavender and rose pre-dawn light. Step. Inhale. Step. Exhale. Exhausted and exhilarated, I turned away from the mountain pass and descended into a martian landscape, red clay coated everything in sight. With an effort of will, I pressed on through dreamy landscapes and snowcaps as my forehead grazed the upper atmosphere along the spine of the mountains. By the time I stopped to eat, the sun was setting and I was above the Denver skyline, nestled among conifers and epic vistas.
//Sadness begins to set in, I wish you were here. For all of the beauty and wonder of this journey, I find myself wanting for yours. I want to show you all that I know, to explore with you, not without you. I know that time will come. Perhaps that eagerness is what drives me forward. I descend into the Great Plains with anxiety tempered only by the wonderful visions of our memories.//
The remainder of the trip was an attempt to stay alert in the doldrums of Kansas – endless gentle hills and straight roads which lull one into an obscene sleepiness. I remember little of the plains beyond breakfast at Mushroom Rock and the Bison pair who stood guard over the dwindling bastion of their territory. I set my sights on the Mississippi, passed silently through St. Louis, allowing the interstate to carry me through the night to the final sunrise of the trip – red sun shining through barren trees in a cold, nondescript Indianapolis suburb. The weather worsened as I slid along icy roads in West Virginia and Pennsylvania. White-knuckling the steering wheel and wishing for rest, I limped across the Chesapeake Bay and meandered along sleepy backroads of Delmarva. Subconscious memory had long since taken over and guided my vessel quietly back to Delaware, gently and silently as a midnight snowfall. I found refuge and allowed sleep to overtake me. From that day to this, I feel I have lived in a state of hibernation – movements burdened as if my limbs were encased in honey, short days passing in the blink of an eye before I fully awake each day.
//My travels embody a breadth and depth most are not fortunate enough to experience. The long road has shaped me on my way to your doorstep. For all that I have seen and known, I find no other inspiration which grounds me in the manner of your profound love. You have transformed the mundane into magnificence, barrenness into abundance. Your memory resides at the forefront of my experience, painting the landscape in its most vivid light; my soul soars with unfettered freedom.//